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[ website | spotted dreams ]
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some changes in store [11 Aug 2007|09:46pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

So I had a tarot reading done on friday and it confirmed what i already was suspecting. My relationship with garr is not solid anymore. We have some things we need to work out or it wont last. For some reason he is sabotoging our relationship. I dont know why nor does he. I know he is still dealing with the whole transplant and how i have changed. We had a good chat last night about it and i hadnt realized how much my transplant had affected him. The cards didnt see us staying together longer than 3 or 4 months but im not willing to let that happen. I love garr and I will do what i can to help him with this but in the end its up to him. He says he still loves me and wants to be with me, he just doesnt know why he is acting like an ass now. Perhaps he is scared of it happening again.

On happier notes, apparently i will live a long life and in two years time i should be feeling a whole lot better and happier. I also wont be picking up dog shit for the rest of my life which is a relief. I also have a double life line...kinda ironic isnt it. She said i have an angel on my shoulder! I know alot of people think its all shit and hey maybe it is some of the time but when she knew that i was very sick and could have died as well as knew the situation between me and garry it kinda floored me. Even if it was all bull it gave me some guidance and positve hope that things are going to get better for me and perhaps i can head off some disasters. The funny this is i had a tarot card reading last year about this time, from a different person and she said Garr and i will hit a point where we will have to decide if we want a relationship or not. Maybe she was just alittle off in the timing.

Anyway im feeling good, hungover from partying last night with the boys(garrys friends) and i have my horses home today and i feel like a bit of balance is being restored in my life.
Tonight im just taking it easy as i work in the morning.

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[06 Aug 2007|03:31pm]
Well i guess its no suprise that now that im feeling better, i want my horses home. I miss them and being able to see them any time. WE have fencing to fix and barn cleaning to do but im excited.
Garry and i have been working in the barn all day just like old times. I miss that. Good thing im working again as it going to cost me but its worth it. I cant wait to see what winston does when he sees the horses for the first time! God i hope they dont eat him!LOL
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ugg work [01 Aug 2007|05:52am]
[ mood | tired ]

Well it always seem with me that when i work or get a job its always a physical one. Im not sure if i just have bad judgement or i like to punish and push myself...God i remind me of someone(u know who you are!!) But had i not taken on these physical(and at times rewarding) jobs than i know i wouldnt be as fit as i am now and id probably still be hurting, weak and depressed. THe extra cash is nice too since i kinda went on a spending frenzy after my transplants and im still paying for it!!LOL Credit cards are so evil.

Anyway im thinking of bringing my horses home again. If my job at the kennel picks up like i suspect im really not gonna want to muck stalls and work horses that ARENT mine after. Ill have to give up an indoor riding ring but i like the idea of taking care of my own horses closely again. I know enough people that have arena's that im sure i could trailer out and rent it a few hours a week.

Well i should finish eating and scoot off to the kennel. I want to start early before it gets too hot like yesterday.

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Dreams [24 Jul 2007|06:47am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Im a very vivid and chronic dreamer. I will dream several times a night and remember them, often waking up from them. Ive been having really bizarre ones that end up leaving me thinking about it all day and sometimes several..., Lately alot of them involve my relationship with garry and my family. I seem to be either fighting with or getting hurt by someone. My old boyfriend is often in them too at a distance. I wonder if my mind is going into over drive after i fall asleep.

So im tired and feel crappy alot but i keep pushing myself along. Yes im doing more than before and I do feel better than before but i guess i just feel like im never going to feel "great" and pain free without having a few drinks!LOL But I AM coping so that is in the right direction.

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blahh [16 Jul 2007|10:01pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

okay so today i am rudely awaken by a throbbing earache so bad that i spent all morning popping tylonel 4's than broke down and took 2 doses of morphine before i had any relief! So i spent the day half stoned but itleast i could think. Im not sure if its cold related or if i may have a tooth that is infected but if its not better tommorow i may have to see the doctor. I cant risk having an out of control infection these days. Im just getting on my feet again.

My first day back at the dog kennel wasnt bad. It helped that all the crack-head morons that i used to work with are gone. It was so nice not to have ppl cursing at eachother and throwing things. My boss seemed calmer and friendlier. They day went well and i will admit i missed parts of my old job. I dont know how many hours ill get for now but come sept. most of the kids working there now will be going back to school.

Chester my pony is home and im kinda happy to have him here again. I havent gotten to see him a whole lot in the last 3 years since he was leased out and out of town. Im hoping to get on him this week and ride him for the first time in a long time. Everyone at the barn has already fallen in love with him...what is it about my horses that people like? They make friends wherever they go!

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[13 Jul 2007|05:25am]
[ mood | blah ]

Well I broke down and called my old boss at the kennel. I asked her if i could get some hours and she agreed. I cant believe im going back there but i have no choice right now. Im not sure how im gonna get to the end of the month financially. I have a whole new respect for those who actually dont live at home anymore and have to live in the real world! Why couldnt i have found a man with a great job or lots of money!lol not that i want to be supported but some days it would be nice to be taken care of instead of me taking care of my man all the time.

So anyway i start i back on sunday. I just hope its not as stressing on me as it was. I will continue to work off my board at the barn as well. God i hope i dont hurt my back again or wear myself down but the stress about worrying about money is just as stressful and exhausting.

Im sure there is a reason and positive side to all this...really!

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frustrated [11 Jul 2007|02:34pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

Well if there is one thing that hasnt changed since my new life it is my ability to sleep all day and night! I really thought i would have more energy and be able to stay awake all day. Its been tough. I get so sleepy and my mind gets foggy so i need to lay down. I feel so lazy and unproductive and useless at times. Everyone tells me im not but i feel like im a failure for not being able to get a real job, and few hours i work at the barn each day are a struggle. It shouldnt be this way. The worst part is im feeling the money burn now. With my new car and my plans on showing this year, money is tight. My bills have been racking up and i have to pay them off, i am slowly but it leaves me nothing to enjoy. I wish i could handle working a real job and have money. When are things going to change??

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sorry for not updating [06 Jul 2007|11:52am]
[ mood | content ]

Im doing fine and just been busy these days. Here is an update on me:
1) I had my one year xplant assesement in May and all is well.
2) I bought a new car or leased one anyway so now im completely broke and poor but itleast im not having my muffler fall off every other week.
3)Im riding and showing sunny this year!!weeeee
4)Im doing some teaching as well and training again.

im still tired alot and sore but its a good pin. Im way more stronger now and doing so much more physically. For the most part im content right now.

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why do i punish myself [18 Apr 2007|12:51pm]
[ mood | drained ]

I hurt, im tired and i feel so bloody defeated. Some days it feels like i can never do anything good enough and yet i keep trying to please even people who dont deserve it. Ive always been this way, trying to keep everyone happy, be everyones friend and confidant as well work my ass off. It seems i do more for others than myself and it needs to stop for awhile. im never gonna be happy if all i do is focus on what others think of me. Im tired of being compared to others. Im not anyone but me and ive had hell of a time getting here. I need to bring some positve energy to the surface.

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hey all [13 Apr 2007|01:00pm]
[ mood | blah ]

not a whole lot new. Im tired and sore as usual. Ive been riding alot more and now im teaching lessons again which has been going well. Im working at the barn still and will be working with a horse there to see if i can get him going as a lesson horse.

im not feeling much like talking/typing right now. Ill update later...

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things are looking up [30 Mar 2007|01:14pm]
[ mood | thankful ]

So far this week has been going well. ITs about frickin time too.

There is hope for my car...Dad ordered some kind of sealant from the states which is expensive but cheaper than a head gasket and it may seal it if its only a crack.

I was given the okay to teach riding lessons where i keep sunny!!yyyyyahhhhh. Im so excited. Ive been riding all week and he has been wonderful. Im really thinking of showing and getting ready no I AM SHOWING this year!!! Ive already got 2 students who are going to start next week.

Talked with my friend John Last night. He has really helped me realize some things about myself and how ive changed, but in a good way. Sometimes it helps to hear someone who is honest tell you that you are doing great and not just in a health way but mentally im doing so much better since the surgery. Im finally ready to live my life now instead of being afraid of it.

Garry and I had a nice long talk lastnight. I miss that. We used to talk all the time, now we dont. He has noticed the changes in me and i think its been hard for him to adjust. He said something lastnight that kinda struck, He said "look how much we have been through and we have only been together 4 years". We are still together and i cant imagne things getting more complicated than they were when i was sick. I hope that was the worst of relationship experiences. But im seeng alot of good coming out of it too. Im a changed person. Im not selfish anymore, Im grateful for my family and loved ones. And i have more appreciation for those around me and life. Thankyou Life.

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Im back [28 Mar 2007|07:00am]
[ mood | bouncy ]

Great news, Sunny is riding so well these days that im actually thinking we have a chance at competing this year if i can get a truck and trailer to use since our truck died. Also I was given the OK to teach at the barn im boarding at. Im so happy about this. Hopefully i can get just enough students that i dont have to work at the kennel anymore. I hate it there. My friend/old dressage coach is going to come up and work with me as well to get us back on track for dressage....eeeeee im happy today!!

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and down she goes... [24 Mar 2007|09:18am]
[ mood | blah ]

In 24 hours ive managed to go from feeling happy, positive and ambitious to wanting to cry and jump off a roof(not literally!!).

Just when I think things are getting better, Im feeling better, more confident and have started discovering myself again....wham! I feel like someone came out of no where and hit me with a semi than backed up over me again, and again. Im feeling crushed emotionally once again after i told myself i wouldnt listen to this person when they were like this and i know they like to press my buttons. I feel like a fool for thinking i had made a good purchase by buying this new car that now has me wanting to torch it and i havent driven it yet! My confidence is slowly slinking back into the ground. Why cant for once everything just pull together and let me be happy and content?? Have i not had enough bullshit in my life? Apparently not, someone is having a hay day with me by throwing all these "obstacles" in my way. I thought i was through the hardest part of my life, but looks like its just started...here we go again fighting for everything in life that i want. This time i dont know if im as strong as i was before. Blahhhhhhh

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deeper and deeper in debt. [18 Mar 2007|08:37pm]
[ mood | drained ]

oh my its been an expensive week, i bought a car and a new stereo for it. I had to put it all on credit. This will cost me i know, so i continue to slug away at the puppy mill i hate. If i had more energy during the day i would get a real full time job but im so afraid of getting sick again than being screwed out of money and drug coverage.

Im tired, oh so tired and feeling like im wasting time again. I rode sunny today and he was great but i feel like ive wasted all winter boarding him out for nothing since i didnt really get him started at all. I need to seriously decide what i want to do than find a way to do it however right now i have so many bills to pay that i cant risk being broke for awhile. Funny i never thought i would have a problem like this...LOL When i was sick i didnt care if i spent every penny i ever had since i was dying anyway...well now im kinda paying for it plus the 3 month long shopping binge i had after my xplant!!

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Got me a new car! [14 Mar 2007|11:25am]
[ mood | bouncy ]

I went to look at a car lastnight and i bought it. Its stick shift and i have never driven one so dad is going to give me some lessons! The car comes with enough parts to make another car! Its also a turbo which dad is nervous about!LOL Im not sure what im gonna name it yet. I wont know till i drive it and get a feel for the car. Ill keep driving aqua till I get the hang of the new one.

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looking at a car [12 Mar 2007|06:50am]
[ mood | hopeful ]

So im going to look at a car tommorow night. Its sooner than i had wanted but i needed to start looking now. The car is older than mine, its a 89 sunbird but its in great looking condition from the pic and it comes with a whole bunch of extra parts for the car, it was saftied in january. The guy wanted $1800 can. for it . That is more than i have but i told him my circumstances and came down to $1400, plus would let me make payments if i needed too. So me and dad will go kick the tires and see what happens. The one problem is that it is stick shift and ive never driven one...dad will have to teach me! The best part is i can use some parts of aqua if i needed too. So i guess we will see what happens.

Im teaching today and heading to the barn. Im loving this mild weather but man am i tired from working at the kennel all weekend. Its such a mentally exhausting place. I could have workded today too but i have to go to the barn and do a lesson since i had to cancel last time.

So should be an intresting week...

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not too bad [09 Mar 2007|06:25am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Had a pretty good yesterday. I dont feel any older, im just scratching my head wondering where the hell the years have gone. Than i remember that i slept the last 3 away or was travelling to Toronto.
I didnt do anything special. I went to the barn in the morning and did stalls and rode sunny. I cantered him and he was great. Well it was awkward, rough and kinda klutzy but the sand footing is kinda deep and he doesnt have shoes on right now. Snow was sliding off the roof at both ends and he didnt even flinch. He has been so good lately. Im starting to get some confidence back on him. I cant believe i thought about selling him at one point. I love that horse and at one time he was what saved me and kept me "alive". I lived for him and to ride him again. I couldnt part with him. He is the reason i am who i am in many ways.

For my 25th b day, garr and my parents bought me personalized car plates. They say "dresapp" thats too cool. I was not expecting that. Now i just need a good car to put tthem on!LOL By the way for those who dont know, dresapp is short for "dressage appy(appaloosa), which is the sport(dressage)i ride on my horse(breed is appaloosa). And the fact that you dont see many appys doing dressage we stand out abit. Thats us in my pic.

Anyway off to work at the old kennel today. They are short and need me. I dont mind since i have a car to start saving up for.

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it never ends [06 Mar 2007|01:30pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

today my car dropped the exhaust pipe from the catalitic and i had to take her into the garage. This will cost me im sure but she needs to be welded and my dad doesnt have torches. Why when always when im not working. However i did get 3 more days at the kennel. I work all weekend but it will help pay for my car.

Brr is it cold too. I put the horses out though since the sun is warm and it nice out. The wind has died right down. I even worked up a sweat mucking stalls even though its minus 18. I get more excercise at the barn without being as sore and tired than i do at the kennels. Too bad i didnt get paid doing the horses.

So now this weekend which i wanted to celebrate my birthday (march 8) Intead ill be at the hell hole kennel. No going out for this girl when i have to get up and go to work the next morning. Hangovers and barking dogs do not mix well. I was supossed to teach but will have to reschedule that and my other job at the new kennel hasnt even called me. Garr and i may be sharing his truck this time around. This sucks big time.

Ive been seriously thinking about how im tired of having a crappy car and no money. I dont think im ready for a full time job but i dont know if i have a choice. I need to buy a decent car, Garr and i want to get married and do some home renovations. If i really want to move on with my life i need to get a real job. I know i could get one where garry works. But i would lose my pension and drug card which would be bad if i got sick again. I might burn myself down. I dont know but something has to give here.

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uhggg [05 Mar 2007|03:44pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

Last week was a tease to us souls patiently awaiting spring. The balmy zero temps had us without our snow suits and 10 layers. Ofcourse nothing good lasts so today we get hit with nothing but blowing snow, colder temps and closed down roads everywhere.

I didnt make it to the barn today and wanted to since i hadnt got there all weekend. Garr got to work this morning before they started closing out roads. He is stuck in town and will go to his mom's tonight. Dad stayed home because he knew when he woke up he didnt want to drive in this crap and mom had today off. All anyone wants to do is sleep or veg infront of the TV or computer.

I hate days like this where i cant go anywhere cuz thats just what i do is sleep or get lazy. It didnt help i woke up to a massive headache again. I think its my teeth going up to my sinuses. My teeth are really bad and falling apart due to my meds all these years. Eventually i will lose them all. Sometimes they just ache for no reason and it causes me headaches to boot. I broke another tooth this morning eating a sandwich.

Garr's brother came out yesterday and fixed his truck again. He said he got to work this time with no problems. So hopefully it will last. if not we have to put new heads on the truck which will cost us. Garr is still paying for the damn truck.

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blah blah blah [02 Mar 2007|10:22am]
[ mood | cranky ]

I had restless night without garr here. He stayed in town again lastnight since the weather was bad and roads were closed. Weird dreams that upset me, strange noises and an earache to boot. Glad i dont have to work today. Im feeling tired, sore and depressed. I hate winter!

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